I’ve been fighting cancer for several months, but in many ways, it feels like the battle has just begun. For the past three months, I’ve been treated with immunotherapy to help strengthen my immune system. In doing so, it has also helped my body eliminate more than 50% of the cancer in my lymphatic system before starting chemotherapy. Pretty amazing results.
Knowing that I’ve made significant progress in just three short months gives me tremendous hope that I will be in remission following these six cycles of chemotherapy. While the unknown is always scary, I am relying on my faith and my family and friends to see me through these difficult months of treatment.
In preparing for chemotherapy, I started thinking about all the miraculous things our bodies are capable of doing. From sports and dance to creating and fostering new life, our bodies are simply amazing. I also believe our bodies have an enormous potential to heal themselves, given the right conditions.
So often, we take our bodies and our health for granted. I know I did. As I woman, I know I can be incredibly hard on myself. Looking in the mirror these days, it would be easy to focus on the negative. These past few years of childbearing and now cancer has greatly altered my body, possibly forever. Where there once was smooth, subtle skin, there now are numerous scars, wrinkles and marks.
But I’ve come to realize we all have scars, both inside and out. We have moles and freckles from sun exposure, and we carry scars from broken bones and broken hearts. However our scars came to be, we should not feel ashamed, but empowered. As said in my previous post, “I see beauty as the grace point between what hurts and what heals, between the shadow of tragedy and the light of joy. I find beauty in my scars.”
Now, I am choosing to see beauty in my new imperfections. My scars are now permanent reminders that I was stronger than what tried to break me. Scars can also be powerful reminders of memories. For example, the incision from my emergency C-section is a precious reminder of the fragility and sanctity of life. I went from pushing out my daughter Vivian to waiting 11 nerve-wracking minutes to hear my son, Thomas, take his first breaths of life. That same scar is also a reminder of the incredible way my body was able to carry two healthy babies to term, each weighing over 5lbs. I am still in awe of what my body was able to do and heal from throughout my pregnancies.
Undoubtedly, I am going to endure more scarring throughout my treatment. I have come to accept that my body and mind will be forever changed. However, I believe I have the power to choose to see the positive in my situation, despite the uncertainty and discomfort that lies ahead. Therefore, I am focusing on becoming better, not bitter.
Just as my scars are powerful reminders, I know I can draw from those memories to strengthen my resolve. I’m choosing to approach these next six months of treatment, similar to a pregnancy. Just like pregnancy, I know life will never be the same after my treatment. In many ways, I will leave treatment a different version of myself. Sure, activities will resume, and my hair will grow back. The scars will fade, but the memory of what we endured will remain. We will simply have to find our new way of life or “new normal,” and I’m okay with that.
Just like a pregnancy, I’m focused on listening to my body and fueling it with the proper nutrition, exercise and rest it needs. I know my body has adapted and healed from extreme situations before. I keep telling myself, “This is only temporary. You can do anything for 9 months. Be patient and strong, this too will pass.”
I am trying to stay grounded in the present moment by focusing on the good. Right now, I am still able to work and spend lots of time with my children. Each day, I start my day by setting an intention rooted in gratitude. Every night, I tell myself I am healing as I reflect on the good in each day. When things get difficult, I repeat my mantra, “I have the strength, faith, and support I need to heal from this cancer.”
When bad things happen to us, we don’t automatically feel happy and beautiful, but we also don’t need to be miserable just because life gets ugly sometimes. Joy and beauty can be found everywhere, in everything, in every one of us—no matter how we look, and no matter how we may hurt temporarily. We all may hurt, but we WILL heal. Ultimately our scars tell our unique story, showcase our strength, and can even highlight our confidence. It’s all a matter of our perspective.
